20 days to Sydney

song of the moment: new order - slow jam

i'm sick of being the bitter, twisted brat who lets the vicious cycles continue for the sake of convenience.

i realise that my posts are increasingly repetitive but bear with me: they're the only place where i can honestly vent my emotions. i mean, my friends understand that i'm not happy; but their general response is to either 'ride it out' or that 'things will get better.'

except they're not, at least not while i'm here.

you have to understand that i haven't always been this angry twit before you reach that point where you get that this is torture for me, taking responsibility for the decisions i've made.

yes, i chose to come back to melbourne almost two years ago, knowing full well it meant dealing with issues i hadn't had the strength to overcome before i left in the first place.

yes, i chose to live at my parents' house, knowing full well i wouldn't be able to deal with la famille for an extended period of time.

i also chose to attempt every possible avenue for overcoming those issues, and to attempt to develop better relationships with family. every possible avenue short of patricide or escape to try to break the power games and vicious manipulations that constitute life in my family.

i'm the first to admit that the problems are much bigger than i could ever fix on my own: other family members really need to realise what they do and how they do it before anything happens. seems like they're more lost than me in that dark clubhouse - cept they can't even remember what their friends look like.

what does it take to get the world to change if you don't like the way it is?