Piratical Discourses

Contrary to the opinion espoused in Pirates of the Caribbean, there was never a single pirate code. Being a pirate at the moment (more on this later), I guess I should stick to one of the few recorded pirate codes - that of 'Black Bart' Roberts:

1. Every man shall have an equal vote in affairs of moment. He shall have an equal title to the fresh provisions or strong liquors at any time seized, and shall use them at pleasure unless a scarcity may make it necessary for the common good that a retrenchment may be voted.

I am so ecstatic that the ALP have come into power in the Australian House of Representatives. More important, though, is the Senate result; if the Liberals don't lose their majority, then we are basically facing an untenable situation for the next three years.

I'm proud to say that I campaigned for GetUp! this weekend, in my seat of Wentworth. I don't really care that Malcolm Turnbull won again; at least we managed to get the occasional person to think through where they stood. It may take some extra time to get him out, but at least it means there's a change of government, hopefully there will be an attendant compassionate change of attitude in this country generally. It's not that I believe in Krudd; it's that I find the Liberal/National coalition and their allies on the far right and überfundamentalist side of things so utterly distasteful. I don't know if he will just be a paler version of the eyebrow man, i'm just hoping his ascension brings a little more love my way.

2. Every man shall be called fairly in turn by the list on board of prizes, because over and above their proper share, they are allowed a shift of clothes. But if they defraud the company to the value of even one dollar in plate, jewels or money, they shall be marooned. If any man rob another he shall have his nose and ears slit, and be put ashore where he shall be sure to encounter hardships.

I'm back on the job hunt.

My latest foray has ended before it began. Based on a pitch I made in one of my classes, one of the other students (who owns her own agency) decided to headhunt me. So far so good.

After doing some tests and a face-to-face interview, I was offered what I thought was a dream position. All I needed to see was the full job description and letter of offer, and everything was great. So I waited for it.

And waited.

And waited.

We had a few phone conversations in the meantime. First, I was meant to start working in the middle of (what is now last) week, but then that got delayed. Then, I was meant to start today.

Except she never sent the bloody paperwork over.

So, on Friday, after delaying another set of meetings, she finally called one last meeting - on Sunday at 4pm. Alright, is she sure? Yes, absolutely - see you Sunday.

I turned up on Sunday at the arranged place at the arranged time. I waited an hour before going home.

I was way too angry to talk to her, so I left it alone. I finally got a phone call from her this morning, wondering where I was. I explained in no uncertain terms that I was disgusted by such a disrespectful act.

Suffice it to say, I will not be working for this woman. Ever.

3. None shall game for money either with dice or cards.

I won on the horsies the other week. Still have to pick up my winnings.

4. The lights and candles should be put out at eight at night, and if any of the crew desire to drink after that hour they shall sit upon the open deck without lights.

I have partied a little too hard this last few weeks. Time for a bit of slowing down.

5. Each man shall keep his piece, cutlass and pistols at all times clean and ready for action.

Hmm... Need to clean the house again. I don't hate you, etc.

6. No boy or woman to be allowed amongst them. If any man shall be found seducing any of the latter sex and carrying her to sea in disguise he shall suffer death.

No risk of that one any time soon.

7. He that shall desert the ship or his quarters in time of battle shall be punished by death or marooning.

No rush on that one, either.

Sticking around here as long as I can.

8. None shall strike another on board the ship, but every man's quarrel shall be ended on shore by sword or pistol in this manner. At the word of command from the quartermaster, each man being previously placed back to back, shall turn and fire immediately. If any man do not, the quartermaster shall knock the piece out of his hand. If both miss their aim they shall take to their cutlasses, and he that draweth first blood shall be declared the victor.

What a much cleaner way to do this.

I have a certain friend who has misheard me a couple of times, and complaining to other friends that I am being exceedingly cruel towards them. There's two problems with the situation, really:

• I absolute love and adore this particular individual, but she won't bring the issues up with me directly; and


• She is apparently so offended that she won't answer the phone if i ring.

Thankfully, she will answer her emails, so I figure resolution of the situation will have to occur in a circular manner. You know, as much as I appreciate the delicacy of the whole thing, I find it's just easier to have your barney up front and then clear everything asap.

9. No man shall talk of breaking up their way of living till each has a share of 1,000. Every man who shall become a cripple or lose a limb in the service shall have 800 pieces of eight from the common stock and for lesser hurts proportionately.

As I mentioned earlier, I am currently in pirate land. It all started three weeks ago, when I woke up seeing double.

After five days of testing, it was determined that I have a paralysed nerve in my left eye, caused by a viral infection. Until the paralysis clears completely, I will have to wear an eye patch. So the pirate/pinkeye jokes are flowing like crazy, and I'm only starting to get used to the staring everywhere I go.

There is a definite bonus to the situation: I am meeting people like crazy. Everyone wants to know why I would be bringing pirate back, so there's opportunities abound to make new friends.

10. The captain and the quartermaster shall each receive two shares of a prize, the master gunner and boatswain, one and one half shares, all other officers one and one quarter ugly, and private gentlemen of fortune one share each.

Hmmm... can I be quartermaster or captain? See job search, above.

I think I need to win the lottery. Maybe then I can skip the whole job search and just go straight to the next phase (start award-winnning business, sell it off for mega bucks, and then spend the rest of my life living in Sydney half the year, and somewhere else the other half).

11. The musicians shall have rest on the Sabbath Day only by right. On all other days by favor only.

Still being confused for a Jew. This latest time, it was for living in Woollahra.

Does this mean the musos get Saturday off? 'Cause that's wrong.

[Wikipedia: Bartholomew Roberts]
[Urban Dictionary: John Howard]
[IMDB: Mommie Dearest]